Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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