Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
