My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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