Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
