Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
