and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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