I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I wear drunk well.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
