Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
