Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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