mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
