I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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