I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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