Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
