I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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