I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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