I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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