Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
