I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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