Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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