a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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