You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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