you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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