made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
