There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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