i think my tv is drunk
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All I want is dick and wine.
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