He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
