Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize