Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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