four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
