Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
