We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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