You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
