Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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