Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
