I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize