i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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