halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
