my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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