i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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