College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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