So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
