Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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