Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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