It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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