i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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