i love accidental penises.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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