I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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