I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
