My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
