If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
