Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
