wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My ass is underappreciated
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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