i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
