Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
