it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize