you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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