I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
