Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
