I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
