I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
