Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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