I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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